Thursday, December 22, 2011

how true

aimless, helpless..

few nights have passed..

the only time i start falling asleep is 7am, after whole night of torturing in the mind..

that makes me late for work for these few days, gonna start sweet talking before i get fired..

im not playing music anymore.. im just producing sounds of notes..

there's no motivation to advance myself..

because i have no goals?

it can't be any more despair, realizing you do not have goals or dreams anymore..

only wandering in your own realm of suffering..

it's just the same as dead..

starting to feel a little pain in the chest, perhaps too little rest..

hair starts falling too, noticed that the bathroom drainage getting more hair..

under my eye reflecting dark color through the skin..

can't even get myself to speak clearly with customers, only mumbling, or day dream in the mid of conversation..

feels annoyed with person who talks to me, just have to talk casually as if nothing ever happened..

im losing my appetite.. skipping breakfast and dinner, only have lunch for the whole day..

instead start taking a lot of sweet stuff and coffee to keep myself awake during the day..

curiously & seriously, what would smoking + drinking till drunk would feels like?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

How long have it been

The situation is going worst..

I wonder how long can I withstand before I breakdown spiritually..

I don't find friends around..

It's been years since you've gone..

How long have it been since the last time I shared my problem?

Where are you? I miss you.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Good concert, Bad audience

A good concert, an opposite to the raining night..

The notes were beautiful, the melody were sweet,

Lovely music..

Why did it pierce my heart painfully instead?

Audiences are cheery..

Was trying to enjoy the music..

Was forcing myself to squeeze out some smile..

The more I pay attention to the music, the heart feels pain..

It feels terribly bad..

It's not in my blood.. It's definitely not in my blood..

it seems, tonight is another sleepless night again..

Thursday, December 15, 2011

What is there left for me..

This is so painful, so painful.. 

I see no moon, but only night.. 

Felt so choked up.. felt so cold.. 

Feels like bursting.. Feels like vomiting.. 

Feels like crying.. Feels like shouting.. 

But as if a silence vow is made.. 

Sleepless night, restless mind.. 

Passion turned hatred.. 

To nowhere my despair leads.. 

Time moves forward, so do everything, everyone,

Finding the comes, and the goes, 

Struggling to move forward, 

To catch up, 

Only to realize, I'm still at the same spot. 

Only to realize, the worst is yet to come.. 

Passion turned stubbornness, ignorance, fear

Wandering like soul-less.. 

So many things left for me, but

Nothing seems interesting anymore.. 

No one seems trustworthy anymore.. 

As if, only money concerns, 

As if, only money matters, 

Poison myself with it.. 

Drowning myself with it.. 

Right now, life is so meaningless.. 

Reminds me of a joke of myself.. 

Perhaps I should really go back to Mars, 

Living alone,

As if I have never exist.. 

Or I shouldn't have, afterall..