I don't know what to do anymore

I've turned 30 this year, I still don't know what I want in my life.

This made me feels very depressed, worried, anxious and

These few days, I've been thinking over this matter, it distracts me from doing anything with focus, whether be it reading, or engaged in my hobby, playing the clarinet.

It feels so sucks. Over the time, I feels like getting more depressed and anxious. My sleeping pattern is disrupted, I sometimes sleep over more than 12 hours, getting more insomnia, or restless brain sleeps. I'm getting the insomnia and restless brain part recently.

I thought, part of these problems probably because I'm financially insecure as well, I couldn't kept myself from thinking about money all the time. I'm even eating around 100twd a day or less, calculating the expense regularly. FYI, a standard meal cost around 80twd, 50 for really economic.

I study and plays the clarinet. It is my hobby, but I don't really know if its what I want to do with the rest of my life. More over, I'm not playing at a competent level, I'm actually somewhere between amateur and professional, and that's sucks. I've experienced few kinds of emotions playing the clarinet includes excited, happy, boring, discouraged and miserable. I'm getting more discouraged because I realize my playing is moving backward more than I improve.

Now, I don't feel anything at all.

I don't feel I want to practice.

I don't feel bad from not practice.

I don't feel the urge to play.

I don't feel the desire to improve.

I don't hold any expectations from life.

I don't have any curiosity in learning.

I cannot sit down quietly and read in peace.

I don't even feels like listening to music, something that I enjoyed very much, be it pop or classical.

It is because I don't truly love music or clarinet after all?

I just know, somehow I don't want to give it up totally.

I am not able to put it down after I spent so many efforts and time on it. 無法放下..

I am currently enrolled in the Cultural and Creative Industries master studies, overall it's like mixture of art management and cultural research studies. I've worked as admin at music examination company in the past, feeling it was kind of interesting to work in similar field, so I took up this course. At the moment, I felt uncomfortable maybe because of different environment and social circle. However, I felt discouraged as well, because I don't find myself enjoying the content of the studies, and I have to think of thesis abstract by the end of semester, which I'm still totally clueless at this stage. I feels like I don't cut out to be in this field.

Would it be better if I just settle down with a job first? I don't know. I don't see a clear vision of myself standing anywhere in future or even tomorrow.

A friend says that finding what you want may be a lifelong process.

Perhaps I'm too rush, too eager to see the results.

Perhaps I'm worrying too much, or too greedy. There are so many out there who are more unfortunate than I do, why couldn't I just be content with what I have?

I'm living like a zombie now, still walking around, attend class, eating meals, doing chores, alive but with a restless foggy mind (brain dead).

I don't know what to do next, and anymore at this point.

If I can't find the reason to exist, maybe I shouldn't be existing at all.

RIP Choo Han Peng

Slept rather late today, waking up at near noon.

I picked up my phone beside my pillow, as usual, checking if anyone contacted me and browse the Facebook for a while.

A post/news immediately struck me and jump off the bed trying to get more details.

Two friends of mine, on their way to airport sending another to Asian Youth Orchestra world tour trip, involved in a car accident which cost a life of one.

The other guy is in stable condition now, to both of them, it was both fortunate and unfortunate.

I can't handle this at the moment, my recent dilemma now seems a tiny compare to this tragic event.

I worked with both of them. Two good friends, we were quite close back then, when I was in Malaysia (currently in Taiwan pursuing studies), we played music together, talked together, and hanged out together.

Now the working experience become a memory, only to be reminiscent from now onward.

May you rest in peace, my prayers shall be with you always.

Thank you for being with us in our journey in music.

Chen Wei-Leng's 60th Birthday Party

A respected clarinet performer and teacher in Taiwan is celebrating his 60th birthday tonight. He is actually the teacher of my teacher, and he's still actively perform and teaching. He taught a lot students and many of them established themselves a successful career from university lecturers/dean to orchestra players/soloists.

On the other hand, I heard that one of the Malaysian student who went Taiwan to study with him, FFK-ed this Taiwan clarinet taiko, Malaysia Boleh.

We threw a party for him, performed some shows, played some games, and looked at his old photos, he looks like a Pakistani during his younger days. At the end, we played happy birthday song to him with clarinet, took photos, and had some awesome fruit cakes. 

I met up with some long time no see friends too, it was great to see them again. =)

He don't look like he's 60 in real person, seriously. 

yay, group photo

This is how a man in 60 celebrate his birthday

I don't know if I can even move like that when I'm 60

In the name of OJA

An update just for the sake of update per requested by a friend. 

Sunny hot Sunday, went to listened to my classmates' string quartet performance at 十方樂集，a cozy small recital hall located in a small alleyway near Yuanshan MRT station. 

Met with a few uni mates, some teachers, and I sat beside my head department Onion Yang.  Sitting with him wasn't good or bad choice, it's just really hard for two person who are both not socially good to carry out a normal or fun conversation, we tried hard though. 

The quartet performance was damn well, they played Haydn's op.76 "Emperor", Ravel's String Quartet in F major and Tchaikovsky's op.11

After that I had some time left before the sunset, I went to ride my bike along the north coast as the sun sunk quietly into the ocean bidding farewell to the people on the beach.

not my best shot though

Cycle from Zhuwei to Songshan

Last Friday went cycling with a friend, he's one kind of giving me surprise because he's a music composition major, the kind that gives me the impression of some nerd locking himself in a room writing music whole day and exercise isn't part of their routine.

We actually cycled from Zhuwei station to Songshan station, damn far damn depressing, to put in KL people's term, that's like cycling from Sungai Long to KLCC, #@$X&!!!!

More over I had 4 slices of pizzas before the trip, a celebration party threw by our orchestra conductor maestro Fusao Kojima, a short and fun one.

The trip turned out to be quite fun, Taipei government spend some effort in building pathways for the cyclist along the river, make it a safe and leisure activity. Malaysia has quite a long way to achieve that I guess.

 

 

 

We ended up in Raohe night market, a night market I came only for the 3rd time for I had already stayed in Taipei for 4 years, the first time was with a Malaysian friend who came here as tourist, the 2nd time with my high school friends for their honeymoon trip. 

Ate some night market food to replenish our energy or waste our exercise effort, and then walked around the newly built subway mall nearby, then we went back by MRT.

Appreciation Dinner with my K.581 ensemble

Spent quite much time rehearse together for my graduation recital, I decide to give a good treat and some allowance to my ensemble members, dining at the Tasty 西提 restaurant at the Tamsui riverside, a restaurant serve a course of steak for around NTD500++

This restaurant is under the Wang Pin 王品 group, well known for their service, the waiter treats customer politely, and they generously give replacements or compensations for reasonable complaints. I do kind of surprise when I first visited this restaurant, well, I grow up at a place that don't really have restaurants with friendly waiters =P. A recommended place for tourist.

Tonight's dinner and hang out turned out to be quite surprisingly better than expected. Because of my lack of social skills, I was initially worried getting very cold atmosphere and it wouldn't last for more than an hour, our dinner + unscheduled hangout instead lasted from 7pm until 12am, keeping the conversation going on wasn't easy too. 

Thank goodness I actually found a group of nice people, we can really talk with each other so much, only when we're not doing rehearsals XD . I guess I really need to put more effort in coordinating and leading an ensemble. 

Thanks a lot folks, you made my last year in uni a memorable and "exciting" one XD , will miss you guys. 

a polaroid taken at the end of dinner

19 April 2016 TNUA Graduation Recital

19th April 2016 is my big big day, I'm having my graduation recital for my undergraduate studies.

Unique because the only in my class without photo and pure art concept

From the preparation stage until the presentation and clean up, it wasn't easy although I have already taken least possible steps. Decide the repertoires, getting accompanists, poster and invitation card designer, getting work crew, setting up rehearsals, printing promotional materials, sending invitation cards, prepare the concert venue, everything to be accomplished in 2 months' time.

It's even more exciting when your teacher decides to go oversea and take break during the spring break, I practically only get to see my teacher around 5 times before I go on stage XD. By the way, congratulation to Wei Pan 潘微, my year one junior who merged up as the 1st prize in a clarinet competition in China, way better accomplishment than my recital XD. 

some of my friends' poster

The moment things set in motion, hell unleashed. It was the first time I’m doing these kind of stuffs, I’m a little too optimistic. A lot of things were behind the schedule due to unforeseen circumstances like quintet members’ conflicting schedule, improving the poster design, time needed for printings, and fund shortage due to cutting down part time jobs.

I have totally zero experience in working with string quartets, to the extend one of the member wasn't pleased with the progress, she voluntarily withdrew but still grace enough to get a replacement, she was a promising member. During the rehearsal, we always look at each other expecting for directions rather than giving suggestion, it was my biggest mistake to rehearse without a more experienced 3rd-party to supervise us. Things really tensed up, but I am really lucky that my members willing to give me a lot of suggestion when I approached them personally, and getting some friends to supervise our rehearsal. 

Invitation Card

Originally deemed failed concept, decide to use it anyway, surprisingly turned out to be invitees' most favourite and preferred card. (I have 2 designs, the other similar to poster)

Sending out invitations wasnt easy either, I handwritten all the invitations, at least to all my classmate (about 70 of them) and followed up by the juniors. It’s really time consuming, I actually skipped a few days of practice just to write cards. In the end I failed to write to some friends, but I still write to them after the recital to make up.

On the day itself, I initially plan to do a run through in the morning, take afternoon nap and get ready for evening recital. But I forgot to prepare the entry ticket!! A rule just implemented this year to control the quantity of the crowds. I instead spend the day preparing it, called up some good friends to help out however turn out to be bad friends asking me go to shopping instead.

Bio in chinese, sorry if you don't understand

And then the recital, damn bloody nervous wei.. Mistakes happens due to pressure and nervous, luckily no big shit except a few technical slips, I managed to get steady not long after into performance. Funny things still happens like knocked into the piano, stopping the pianist when he’s about to start cuz I need to adjust the stand, etc etc.  The most fatal is running out of stamina, where my embouchure could barely hold anymore, its like a plane almost decompose into pieces but managed to land safely. Thank god.

Mozart K.581 & Horovitz Sonatina

At the end, the highlight of my graduation recital wasn't my performance, but the poster, invitation card and my program notes(bio) instead.

Photo and social moment after everything ends. I will miss my classmates, friends, teachers, everyone in Taiwan very very much. Anyway, I'm not really graduating this year, doing planned delay. Good night !