I don't know what to do anymore

I've turned 30 this year, I still don't know what I want in my life.

This made me feels very depressed, worried, anxious and

These few days, I've been thinking over this matter, it distracts me from doing anything with focus, whether be it reading, or engaged in my hobby, playing the clarinet.

It feels so sucks. Over the time, I feels like getting more depressed and anxious. My sleeping pattern is disrupted, I sometimes sleep over more than 12 hours, getting more insomnia, or restless brain sleeps. I'm getting the insomnia and restless brain part recently.

I thought, part of these problems probably because I'm financially insecure as well, I couldn't kept myself from thinking about money all the time. I'm even eating around 100twd a day or less, calculating the expense regularly. FYI, a standard meal cost around 80twd, 50 for really economic.

I study and plays the clarinet. It is my hobby, but I don't really know if its what I want to do with the rest of my life. More over, I'm not playing at a competent level, I'm actually somewhere between amateur and professional, and that's sucks. I've experienced few kinds of emotions playing the clarinet includes excited, happy, boring, discouraged and miserable. I'm getting more discouraged because I realize my playing is moving backward more than I improve.

Now, I don't feel anything at all.

I don't feel I want to practice.

I don't feel bad from not practice.

I don't feel the urge to play.

I don't feel the desire to improve.

I don't hold any expectations from life.

I don't have any curiosity in learning.

I cannot sit down quietly and read in peace.

I don't even feels like listening to music, something that I enjoyed very much, be it pop or classical.

It is because I don't truly love music or clarinet after all?

I just know, somehow I don't want to give it up totally.

I am not able to put it down after I spent so many efforts and time on it. 無法放下..

I am currently enrolled in the Cultural and Creative Industries master studies, overall it's like mixture of art management and cultural research studies. I've worked as admin at music examination company in the past, feeling it was kind of interesting to work in similar field, so I took up this course. At the moment, I felt uncomfortable maybe because of different environment and social circle. However, I felt discouraged as well, because I don't find myself enjoying the content of the studies, and I have to think of thesis abstract by the end of semester, which I'm still totally clueless at this stage. I feels like I don't cut out to be in this field.

Would it be better if I just settle down with a job first? I don't know. I don't see a clear vision of myself standing anywhere in future or even tomorrow.

A friend says that finding what you want may be a lifelong process.

Perhaps I'm too rush, too eager to see the results.

Perhaps I'm worrying too much, or too greedy. There are so many out there who are more unfortunate than I do, why couldn't I just be content with what I have?

I'm living like a zombie now, still walking around, attend class, eating meals, doing chores, alive but with a restless foggy mind (brain dead).

I don't know what to do next, and anymore at this point.

If I can't find the reason to exist, maybe I shouldn't be existing at all.